Never the Twain
Never the Twain

Never the Twain

1981 11 Seasons 67 Episodes ⭐ 7.0 Comedy

Never the Twain is a British sitcom that ran for eleven series from 7 September 1981 to 9 October 1991. It was created by Johnnie Mortimer, and was the only sitcom he ever created without his usual writing partner, Brian Cooke. Mortimer wrote the entirety of the first two series and four episodes out of six of the eighth, with the rest being mainly written by Vince Powell and John Kane. It starred Windsor Davies and Donald Sinden as rival antique dealers, and also starred Derek Deadman, Zara Nutley, Robin Kermode, Tacy Kneale, Julia Watson, Honor Blackman, Teddy Turner and Maria Charles. The title is taken from the Rudyard Kipling poem; The Ballad of East and West.

Never the Twain is a British sitcom that ran for eleven series from 7 September 1981 to 9 October 1991. It was created by Johnnie Mortimer, and was the only sitcom he ever created without his usual writing partner, Brian Cooke. Mortimer wrote the entirety of the first two series and four episodes out of six of the eighth, with the rest being mainly written by Vince Powell and John Kane. It starred Windsor Davies and Donald Sinden as rival antique dealers, and also starred Derek Deadman, Zara Nutley, Robin Kermode, Tacy Kneale, Julia Watson, Honor Blackman, Teddy Turner and Maria Charles. The title is taken from the Rudyard Kipling poem; The Ballad of East and West.

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Seasons & Episodes

EP 1

Families At War

The feuding fathers find out about the relationship between their son and daughter and consider taking steps to prevent

EP 2

Of Meissen Men

Veronica appears on the scene - causing Simon and Oliver to compete for more than antiquities.

EP 3

A Night At The Opera

Veronica wants to go to the opera in Edinburgh. Simon and Oliver each compete to be her date. Simon has to find a replac

EP 4

A Matched Pair

Oliver's antiques shop is burgled. A pair of pistols is reported missing, but when these mysteriously turn up in Simon's

EP 5

Nothing But The Truth

Oliver beats Simon to a painting they both want. But is it a Constable or not? David confesses propositioning another wo

EP 6

Father Of The Groom

Simon holds a dinner for Oliver, Lyn and David, his ulterior motive being to expose Oliver's lack of etiquette. Lyn prep

EP 1

Who's Been Sleeping In My Bed ?

Simon nominates Oliver for membership of his golf club. Oliver holds a function for the committee members to win their s

EP 2

As Young As You Feel

Simon and Oliver seek to win Veronica's affections. Oliver reaches the age of 50. Lyn is concerned about her father bein

EP 3

A Woman's Place ...

David and Lyn quarrel about her taking a full-time job. Oliver seeks a new cleaner. Simon is losing to Oliver in a telep

EP 4

Blood Brothers

Simon needs a blood transfusion, but he has a rare blood type. Oliver has the same blood type and agrees to donate in re

EP 5

lf You Knew Susan

Simon's sister visits him and Oliver immediately falls for her. Simon and Oliver each purchase one of a pair of figurine

EP 6

The More We Are Together

Oliver and Simon each separately consider reforming their partnership due to the poor state of their accounts and the im

EP 1

Taking Stock

Oliver and Simon have re-entered their partnership. They decide to do a stocktake. Oliver meets up with an old school fr

EP 2

Partners

Simon receives an offer for his shop. Oliver thinks that Ringo has won the pools and breaks his partnership with Simon,

EP 3

A Nose For Quality

Both Simon and Oliver believe that they have appointments to meet Lady Deveraux with a view to purchasing some of her an

EP 4

The End Of The Line

Oliver and Simon discuss the issue of grandchildren. David claims to have had a vasectomy. Oliver and Simon join a datin

EP 5

The Welsh Connection

Simon and Oliver go on a health kick. An auction in Wales causes disagreement between the two men.

EP 6

Not On The Same Wavelength

Simon and Oliver are invited as guests onto a radio show. The two men become convinced that Lyn is pregnant.

EP 1

A Home of Your Own

David and Lyn have moved to Canada. Simon needs to find someone to rent his flat quickly before his Aunt Eleanor moves i

EP 2

The Royal Connection

Oliver attempts to gain the Royal Warrant for his shop from the Prince of Wales. Simon investigates his family tree in t

EP 3

Words and Music

Oliver and Simon volunteer to perform at a Vet Circle luncheon for Caroline.

EP 4

No Flame Like An Old Flame

Simon's life becomes complicated when an old sweetheart pays him an unexpected visit.

EP 5

Love's Neighbours' Lost

Oliver and Simon duel over a woman, Caroline. But they find that there is another man vying for her affections.

EP 6

Come Fly with Me!

Following a recent spate of shop burglaries Simon installs a state of the art alarm system but when he forgets his passp

EP 1

In Whom We Tryst

Peel and Smallbridge become attracted to the same shop assistant.

EP 2

Going, Going, Gone!

Peel and Smallbridge have to share a room in a country pub.

EP 3

Thicker Than Water

Simon reveals that he was left at an orphanage as a baby.

EP 4

Kung Who?

Simon takes up judo to defend himself against likely muggers and invites Oliver to accompany him to his class at the gym

EP 5

Reading Between the Lines

Simon is aghast to learn that oily solicitor Brimley, with whom he was at school, is handling the property next to the a

EP 6

Definitely Not Cricket!

Lady Devereaux offers Simon some sporting memorabilia at knock-down prices provided he captains her staff cricket team a

EP 1

Feed A Cold

Simon has a cold and Oliver offers to look after him.

EP 2

Going to Pot

Ringo decides to get some culture. After meeting one of his teachers, Simon and Oliver are pleased to accept his invitat

EP 3

Love ls A Many Splendoured Thing

Oliver has fallen in love, however trouble arises after he meets his future mother-in-law.

EP 4

A Night to Remember

Burglars are in the neighbourhood, leading to an eventful night for the two households.

EP 5

The Battle of Deveraux Dale

Lady Deveraux asks Simon and Oliver to take part in a historical re-enactment of a Civil War battle, the battle of Dever

EP 6

Affair of the Heart

Simon's ex-wife Stephanie arrives unexpectedly.

EP 1

Settled Out of Court

A legal dispute arises between the two antique dealers following an incident in Oliver's shop.

EP 2

The Wagers of Sin

Oliver and Simon decide to have a wager on who can make the most profit on an item chosen by the other.

EP 3

Betrothed, Bothered and Bewildered

After a boozy night out, Banks remembers that he has proposed to Mrs Sadler. However, neither wants to go through with i

EP 4

The Second Time Around

Mrs Sadler is missing Banks. Fortunately, there is a happy ending for both of them.

EP 5

Born to Blush Unseen

Gardening Time. Oliver has something to show from his gardening efforts.

EP 6

Fasten Your Seat Belts

Simon & Oliver get severely drunk on Simon's birthday, and decide to visit their children in Canada.

EP 1

Grandfathers-In-Law

Lyn and David, with their baby Martin, return from Canada, causing great excitement to Simon and Oliver. However, the gr

EP 2

Nursery Times

Lyn and David are looking for a flat while staying at Simon's house. But Oliver would like them to stay with him too.

EP 3

Whose Baby?

The christening is scheduled and Stephanie, Simon's ex, is invited, causing anxiety for both Simon and Oliver.

EP 4

Never Say Die

Simon has to go into hospital but confusion arises.

EP 5

Moving On

The house-hunting by Lyn and David reaches a conclusion. It causes Simon and Oliver to think about their own situation.

EP 6

It's A Long Way To Friern Barnet

Lyn and David move to their new flat. Oliver and Simon decide to help them by redecorating the flat.

EP 1

Just the Ticket

A series of mishaps contribute to a difficult day for Simon and, especially, Oliver.

EP 2

A Point of Honour

Simon advertises for an assistant for his shop but runs into trouble after interviewing one applicant.

EP 3

A New Lease of Life

Simon is feeling melancholic and decides to make a big change to his life.

EP 4

Aspects of Love

Simon arouses Oliver's suspicions and, in turn, Oliver is the subject of a rumour. These lead to gossip in the village.

EP 5

Neighbours

Simon holds a meeting of the Residents' Association. There is a new resident who is about to move in and this leads to a

EP 6

Bonjour Paris!

Off to Paris but soon they are in trouble at the restaurant and with the police, also causing a lot of trouble to an emb

EP 7

A Winter's Tale

Christmas time. Simon and Oliver volunteer to keep watch overnight in the local church.

EP 1

X Marks the Spot

Oliver and Simon both decide to stand for election to the local Council.

EP 2

S.W.A.L.K.

Simon has a female pen-pal who he is looking forward to meeting, with a view to marriage. However, the reality is differ

EP 3

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Both Oliver and Simon are doing the pools and hope to win big. After Oliver makes a mistake, Simon takes the opportunity

EP 4

Happy Holiday

A weekend away for Simon and Oliver in Ringo's mother's country cottage. Trouble is that it's the wrong weekend.

EP 5

There But for the Grace of God

Simon comes across an old acquaintance who is down on their luck.

EP 6

A Car By Any Other Name

The vicar wants to sell his car and gets Simon to help, while Oliver is also selling his car. A confusing time is the re

EP 1

Viva Espana!

Ringo wins a holiday in a competition and they all go to Spain.

EP 2

The Best Laid Plans

It is the 10th anniversary of the two antique dealers being in business; they decide to go out to have a meal and visit

EP 3

Born Again

Simon is searching for the meaning of life and thinks he has found it after listening to a preacher in the park. Oliver,

EP 4

There Goes the Bride

Aunt Eleanor decides to get married after a whirlwind romance.

EP 5

Two Fools and Their Money

Both Simon and Oliver are in financial difficulties and decide to approach their bank manager.

EP 6

The First of the Queue

Oliver tells Simon about a bargain in a shop, which leads to extraordinary efforts by the two to be first in the queue t

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